The World of Ruby and Lucille

Elevator Muzak

2005-10-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

Going Up!

Ruby here. One of mine and Lucille's favorite things is to go into a grocery store, department store, or fancy restaurant and burst into accompanying song to the Muzak that's playing.

We even have opinions about which establishments have the best Muzak. The restaurant we used to work at - The Steak House, as it's known - had pretty good Muzak. We often sang along to Dusty Springfield or Steely Dan as we closed up. We would get our boss, Mr Yes-That's-A-Cocaine-Booger-Hanging-Out-My-Nose, to turn up the music so that we could hear it better, and we would sing along to sweet things like "Wishin' and Hopin'" and salty things like "Hey 19" (which we secretly dedicated to our boss, who liked to sleep with teenaged girls), blissfully ignoring anyone who told us we couldn't sing.

The best Muzak, you see, is the Muzak that always surprises you. For instance, it never fails to thrill me when I hear a Steely Dan song on Muzak, because I wonder if the old ladies in the Alfred Dunner section realize that the song they can just barely hear is about drugs and pedophilia. The best Muzak will reel you in with Spanky and Our Gang singing "I'd Like to Get to Know You," just to jar you with the moaning and groaning of Al Green, then the denouement of Olivia Newton-John singing "Magic." To get to hear the range of music the best Muzak offers, all while trying on 14 pairs of jeans, or while finishing off that shrimp Creole, is always SO satisfying.

I think that Rite Aid here in town has some of the best Muzak around. A friend of mine, Baby Jane, used to work at Rite Aid, and I asked her once didn't she just love working there with that good Muzak playing all the time. Not surprisingly, she looked at me like I needed help. She didn't know that I had once lingered long in the tampons just to get to hear Todd Rundgren finish off "I Saw the Light," or that I had feigned an interest in hair color just because I love the Spinners.

Here are some likely suspects, when it comes to Muzak - coming soon to a department store or restaurant near you:

Couldn't Get it Right - The Climax Blues Band
I am sure I had heard this gem a million times in muted Muzak mono before I ever actually heard it come out of a stereo speaker. I was so used to hearing this song at a dull staticky drone that I never realized what a good song it really is. Is it impressively imaginitive? No. Is it anybody's favorite song? I doubt it. But it is three minutes, 19 seconds of groovy horns. Ever notice how many horn-driven songs show up in Muzak programming?

1900 Yesterday - Liz Damon's Orient Express
I would almost bet money that two or three people at the very least have threatened to gnaw open a vein when hearing this song. It's a song so redolent in cheesiness, that it's almost too much. Almost.

I always enjoy hearing this song in elevators and stores because that's about the only acceptable venue for such drivel, and I am nearly ashamed to admit that I would listen to it elsewhere.
Imagine my shock and secret pleasure when I discovered that someone else, a writer for Scram no less, was also as taken with this song as I am. Read about his ordeal
HERE . It's worthwhile reading, I promise, the saga of Liz Damon's Orient Express' scramble from the bar of the Hilton to the Big Time.

Eye in the Sky - Alan Parsons Project
Hahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHA! I never go into a department store or restaurant and hear this song in all it's Muzak glory without thinking of the protracted and Seinfeld-esque arguments between Lucille and our pal Hagatha about the artistic merits - or, in Lucille's argument, complete lack of - of this song and the Alan Parsons Project. Hagatha apparently has the tiny damaged notion that the Alan Parsons Project are rock greats that Lucille should bow fealty to. Lucille respectfully disagrees. Still, it's always fun to have this song unexpectly spring on Lucille and hear her berate it, APP, and Hagatha all over again.

This post is semi-dedicated to BadHair, the little girl in Ruby's family who once had a hand held over her mouth so that Ruby could hear ELO's "Strange Magic" uninterrupted.

Flip Down Your Hair and Let Me Climb Up the Ladder of Your Love!

2005-10-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

What a bunch!

Just in case you didn't recognize them, every one of those beauties in the picture are the J. Geils Band. What a bunch indeed!

If you are listening to the J. Geils Band on the radio, chances are you are listening to some trash like "Centerfold" or "Love Stinks," in which case you should turn your radio off and listen to THIS instead.

Ruby and Lucille (and Ruby mostly) are probably the only people in the world right now giving the J. Geils Band the respect they so richly deserve. Why? WHY? WWWWWHHHHY????

It could be because they ruined their rep with that shit they did in the 1980s. It could be that their ugliness, video-wise, is seared into so many corneas that people are afraid of them. Who knows. But if you are not hip to the hot-ass stuff they did in the 1970s then you ain't shit. Hear me?

So, for your pleasure, four tunes to make you UNDERSTAND the UNDENIABLE POWER of the J. Geils Band:

Musta Got Lost (live)
This is the song from which the title of this post derives. It also has the distinction of being Lucille's favorite, not because of the song, which is alright, but because of the rap Peter Wolf does before the song. Lucille loves to hang her head out the window of a car cruising the Sinkhole and holler "OPEN UP BITCH IT'S WOOMBA GOOMBA WITH THE GREEN TEETH!"

J. Geils Band concerts were known for both the virtuosity of the band in their chosen field (i.e., the ability of the J. Geils Band to make you think you are at the funkiest bar in town, with the knowledge that everyone around is just as drunk as you are) and for Peter Wolf's discursions, which, as evidenced by this song, sound like something between the ravings of a lunatic and a Pentecostal preacher. Nobody was surprised to find out that Peter Wolf was a former D.J. when they heard this - the sheer speed at which this man raps is a wonder of nature. You wonder how the rest of the band kept a straight face, much less kept playing. An interesting note - this song mentions Rapula LaBula (Spelling? anyone?), a recurring character in these monologues, and Woomba Goomba, Wolf's alias from his D.J.ing days, both of whom were also name-checked in a Peter Wolf video from the 80's that is in rotation on VH1 Classic.

It Ain't What You Do (It's How You Do It)
"WE'RE GOING TO BLOW YOUR FACE OUUUUTTT!" If that doesn't sound familiar, then you are not a J. Geils Fan, and possibly not even worthy of spitting on. There couldn't be many more harmonicas in the WORLD being played as fast as the one in this song. Or organs, either. This song is so fast and so tight that it defies you to shake your ass. Or, in Ruby's case, it's more like the time that Donna mooned on "That 70's Show" - "I like to show my ass! I like to shake my ass!"

First I Look at the Purse (live)
One trait that set the J. Geils Band apart was the covers they chose for their live shows. This one, a cover of a Contours song from the early 60's (you know the Contours - "Do You Love Me"?) is a great example. You really can't tell if they are kidding or not, but regardless they are smoking, people.

Surrender
Now, for Ruby's favorite. This is probably the funkiest ROCK - not soul or funk or anything related, just rock - song of the 70's. It's part disco, part West Side Story, and it's ALL good. That's Cissy Houston (yes, Whitney's mom - hell to the no, right?) singing the duet with Peter Wolf, and some people say that Luther Vandross is singing backup, too. It doesn't matter. This song will BLOW YOUR FACE - and whatever else you got handy - OFF, if for no other reason that it is so hot that you can't even stand it. It makes Ruby think of the boys and places her mama doesn't want her to know about, and damn sure doesn't want her seen with or in. But you know that Ruby - she's been known to surrender to bad boys a time or two.

On a sweeter note, it also makes Ruby think of her Aunt Mary and Uncle Rodney, who listened to the J. Geils Band and gave her records, and of her brother who wouldn't let her listen to his records!

"DARLIN'! THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY MIND!"

The World of Ruby and Lucille is Born Again!

2005-10-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

Can you feel us kicking?

The exile is over - Ruby and Lucille have returned.

It's Ruby here, on this momentous occasion. Lucille and I have remade and remodeled, and now we are ready to get down to business again.

First up:
James Brown - I Got the Feelin'
What would a return to form be without Soul Brother No. 1? We've got the feelin', indeed!

Then,
Ohio Players - I Wanna Know Do You Feel It?
Perennial favorite the Ohio Players helping us to encourage YOU to feel it, too. A lesser known Ohio Players gem. Why is it that the only people who are really listening to the Ohio Players are the ones who are sampling them? Oh, and the people at Nip/Tuck, who have used the Ohio Players on the soundtrack, often to underscore the almost criminal funkiness (and I do mean funky) of Dr. Christian Troy. They haven't used "I Wanna Know Do You Feel It" yet, but they should put it in the running, at least. It's as funky/scary/sexy/cool as that Nip/Tuck is. Sometimes that show makes Ruby feel downright dirty.

Finally:
Gwen McRae - Rockin' Chair
Just because its sweet and fine and Ruby and Lucille can and will rock you. And don't you forget it.

Where We Went Wrong

2005-05-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

oh look - it's the poppy family!

Ruby here, pleased to report that now Lucillie is wallowing in the mire, as well, and what better time for a post on the Poppy Family than when everybody is sucking sorrow?

Are you listening to the Poppy Family? Probably not. If you are at all, you are probably listening to "Which Way You Goin', Billy?" That was their one and only hit, from way back in the ether of 1969-1970. And no, it's not going to be posted here so don't even ask.

Are you wondering who the Poppy Family is? This is the part I have been dreading - surely you have heard that abomination, "Seasons in the Sun," by Terry Jacks? Well, Terry Jacks was one half of the husband and wife team who made up the crux of the Poppy Family. They were joined by two other people, one in big glasses and the other wearing a turban, but I have not yet figured out exactly what their contribution was.

What happened to Terry Jacks between the wonder and beauty of the Poppy Family and the tripe of "Seasons in the Sun?" He and his wife, Susan Jacks, who is the whole reason the Poppy Family is worth wasting webspace on today, broke up. Susan's voice, or, more correctly, her delivery, is among the most distinctive I have ever personally heard. She makes you feel every single word. I have never been sure whether she had a hand in writing the Poppy Family's songs, or whether she served as a muse for the heinous Terry Jacks, but suffice to say he should have kept her around. Unless, of course, that I have yet to find a postive reference to love that is not somehow tempered with sadness and pain in any of their songs. In fact, if their catalog is any indication, this must have been one of the more miserable marriages ever documented in song.

Susan has been compared to Karen Carpenter, vocally. While I can see these comparisons, Susan has more soul in one of her little fingers than poor old Karen ever imagined, bless her heart. Regardless of the heartache Karen Carpenter was feeling, there was a veneer of sunshine in all the songs she sang. As a point, there seems to be a washing of rain on the ones that Susan Jacks sang. Very few Poppy Family songs are even slightly upbeat, and even those seem to be insidiously dark. I defy you to show me a more morose pop band, for sure.

The Poppy Family were, by all standards, and one-hit wonder bubblegum pop band whom it's a wonder are even remembered today. However, their catalogue, while by no means varied or even transcendent of their time, is nevertheless impressive. Probably due to the gorgeous production or the simple yet effective lyrics, not to mention Susan Jacks' voice, the Poppy Family survives as an eclectic relic from the late 60's/early 70's.

I'll get it started:

HEAR:
That's Where I Went Wrong - The follow up to "Which Way You Goin' Billy," this one charted but barely and consequently no one remembers it. Which is a shame. Who was expecting to hear this much desperation - "this old road/I don't know where it leads/and I don't care/because it's not hard for me see/that when it ends/there'll be nothing there for me" - on AM radio in 1970? The beauty of the Poppy Family is in the unexpected.

HEAR:
I'll See You There - An almost angelic Susan. The "dadadada" at the beginning is so delicate and gorgeous that it defies description. Maybe this is the sequel to the bus trip she sings about on "That's Where I Went Wrong." Her voice just aches. The lyrics border on the chilling - references to cold nonwithstanding.

HEAR:
I Want You to Love Me - A less depressed number, I apologize for the poor quality, it was ripped from a record. Don't let the lilting, almost fast beat fool you - she wants this guy, but things are scary. What else would you want from the Poppy Family? Love can't be anything but scary and weird with these people, part of their charm.

Take note of the references to cold in the Poppy Family's songs, then remember they are Canadian!

Why the Poppy Family, and these sad, sad songs? Because they reflect the mood of Ruby and Lucille - love is hell, people, love is hell.

No Other

2005-05-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

Gene Clark

Ruby here. Today is all about Gene Clark, for no better reason than I am sad and he seemed like he was, too.

You remember Gene Clark, don't you? From the Byrds? The one with the tamborine, whom Chris Hillman called the Byrds' "Prince Valiant?" You probably don't.

Well, Gene Clark's career didn't end with his parting from the Byrds. He made a handful of solo albums that were doomed to failure, despite their brilliance.

The sheer scope of Gene Clark's music is stunning; with Doug Dillard he recorded what is arguably one of the first country/bluegrass/rock fusions (mid-60's, darling) that combined both original and standard material in a delectable, seamless whole. In the mid-70's he recorded what has come to be recognized as his masterpiece (even though hardcore Genophiles think that most of his output post-Byrds-the late 70's is of masterpiece quality), No Other, a spacy, verbose album, with layers upon layers of what sounds like every instrument and voice in California on every song. Even the cover art for No Other was a departure from the motorcycles, cowboy hats and classic cars of his previous effots - Gene, his hair long even by the standards of the day, poses in what appears to be a leotard, with makeup on his face. I won't embarass him by putting the picture up here - it's best you just imagine it.

The first selection in this Gene Clark-ography is the title song from that album, "No Other."

HEAR:NO OTHER
I have heard plenty of music in my time, but I assure you I have never heard anything quite like "No Other" before or since. Gene sounds like he is phoning his vocal in from the NetherWorld, and has a few lost souls for backup singers. The song is menacing, yet alluring - scary and sexy at the same time. There is so much going on that it almost confuses you; he says "all along you say that you don't want no other," and you don't know if it's a plea or a threat. The lyrics are verbose to the point of being bizarre - again, does he want us confused? are we easier prey that way? - yet are somehow entrancing.

All along you say that you don't want no other - so the lord is love and love is like no other. I have said too much already about it, so just listen...

Some Misunderstanding

2005-05-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

Gene again

The second Gene song is also from No Other, "Some Misunderstanding." CAUTION: this one is not for the faint of heart. It is 8 minutes of pure sorrow, and if you are feeling even slightly suicidal, I beseech you to skip it.

HEAR:
SOME MISUNDERSTANDING

The quality of Gene's music that seems to speak to people the most is, however, his capacity for sorrow. He is a cult presence on the internet, sparking some of the most heartfelt tributes to any dead rock star I've ever seen. People seem to latch on to the sadness that is a part of so much of his music, and fetishize it - and Gene himself.

It wouldn't have mattered if he'd been singing the phone book to the tune of "Some Misunderstanding" - you still would feel the same sorrow. It's in his keening vocal, the weariness and pleading. He might just shatter into a million pieces. You don't know.

I don't know what Gene's singing about in "Some Misunderstanding." It could be about his own problems with substance/alcohol abuse, it could be someone else's, but he says "I know if you sell your soul/to brighten up your role/you might be disappointed in the light/we all need a fix at a time like this/but doesn't it feel good to stay alive..." He could be singing about anything, really.

Most of his songs are like this - vague enough that they leave you the room to interpret them according to your own desires... this is the other quality that endears Gene's songs to people.

Silver Raven

2005-05-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

Gene 1979

To finish up today's Gene Clark tryptich, it's another one from No Other, "Silver Raven."

HEAR:
SILVER RAVEN

I don't want to talk about this song. There may be more Gene Clark again the next time I post, though, because fetishizing someone who died a fairly young and totally unnecessarily (Gene Clark more or less drank himself to death - he was in his forties.) is helpful to me right now.

Confidential to JFF: Silver Raven, ideed, because something about GC's jaw or his profile or something reminds me of you. But you won't know...

Lord Have Mercy! Finally!

2005-05-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'll stay under the table all night if I have to,
but I ain't doing dishes!

Well! Ruby has been put upon and beat down, tempted and tried, but she is finally back! What this means is that finals are over, she'll soon have her diploma in hand, the kidney infection is getting better, and she has managed to dig herself out of the papers on her desk at work. Back to important stuff - like reading books, listening to good things, and posting, in other words.

Here are a few songs that reveal a lot about the state of mind of somebody as plagued as all this. You don't have to feel plagued to enjoy them, though - just listen!

HEAR: Mockingbird - Charles and Inez Fox.

These are the kinds of promises that you love to hear, right? Even though you know that they are all lies, at the time, especially if you are tired and brow-beaten, you feel ever so special because somebody does want to give you a diamond ring, shiny or not. Ruby was promised everything under the sun if she would just be a good girl and finish her schooling.

Who knows anything about Charles and Inez Fox? This song is so classic - did they ever really do anything else?

HEAR: Once You Get Started - Vicki Anderson.

Life as you know it changes when you go to school, right? No matter if it's undergraduate or graduate, everything changes. But that's not the change I'm talking about - the one I am talking about is the change after you get out of school. Getting out of undergraduate school felt like starting "real" life. It was a little scary and a lot of fun. Getting out of graduate school feels like being let out of jail. No skills for this. Once you get started, though, it all gets better - right? Please say yes!

If Vicki Anderson thinks that everything is better once you get started, then who are we to argue, right? She's only the #1 funk-soul sister around, so shut yo mouth.

HEAR:Gotta Hold on to This Feeling - Junior Walker and the All-Stars.

And yet, I feel so relieved to finally have that degree! Gotta hold on to this feeling, indeed!

Don't you just love Junior Walker and the All-Stars, though? Sometimes they are about two seconds from Muzak, but I defy you to say that's a bad thing.

Just in case you are wondering, that's the incomparable Dorothy Gish under the table...

Hope You're Having a Sunshine Day!

2005-04-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

Take a little time to sniff the daisies - AAAAACHHHHHOOOO!

If you are not in Eastern Kentucky right now, you are SO sorry and you don't even know it! It's lovely! I should - and probably will, before it's over - be posting pictures of the gorgeous redbuds and pink dogwoods, not to mention the weeping cherry trees and the flowering crab apples. You never knew as many shades of green as there are in Eastern Kentucky in April - you have to see it to believe it. And the sunshine!

Of course, those familiar with Ruby and Lucille know that this time of year is often the beginning of the cruising season in that little metropolis that Ruby and Lucille frequent, known to some as the Sinkhole. When things start blooming, Ruby and Lucille get restless, feeling the need to cruise around the Sinkhole hollering at people, saying things like "WATERMELON!" "FUNKY FUNK AND THE SKUNKY BUNCH!" "POPCORN!" "LET IT ALL HANG OUT!"

More on this curious phenomenon later. Right now, in honor of the beautiful home of Ruby and Lucille, a post about sunshine days, full to bursting with sunshine music, that other curious phenomenon, brought to you by the late 60's, typified by full orchestras and hokey lyrics, goofy and silly and lovely, just like Ruby and Lucille!

Hear: Sugar Town - Nancy Sinatra.
Now doesn't this make you feel like wallering on a blanket in the grass.... maybe smoking some grass? Getting strange? Seeing the world in one little daisy? Where is Sugar Town, anyway? What is the sugar part, hmmmm?

Hear: No More Running Around - Lamp of Childhood.
You know we're going hardcore 60's when the post is by a band called Lamp of Childhood, Lord have mercy. However, after you catch your breath and get up from rolling in the floor, just listen to the song. Spring! Love! Cuteness! Unfortunately, Lamp of Childhood was not very prolific, and in fact, they are most famous for the fact that member James Hendricks was once married to Mama Cass Elliott.

Hear: The Biggest Night of Her Life - Harper's Bizarre.
This is either the sweetest little thing or the dunbest thing that you've ever heard, but it's all sunshiny and it's in season, too, since it's talking about the biggest night of a teenaged girl's life, and considering that it is, after all, prom season, then sure! Of course, the biggest night of a Jones girl's life often involves meeting someone on the dark end of the street (after enticing him with shouts of "How the hell did you get up in that monster truck, anyway?!?!?!), but we are, in our hearts, ladies of distinction.

Now - get outside and pick a flower!
Ruby

Fredric March and Some Old Mushy Stuff

2005-04-01T10:08:00.000-08:00

Ain't it indeed!

Lest you begin to think that Ruby and Lucille ain't nothing but old mean bitches running around hating men all the time, here is some sweet stuff for you.

GRATUITOUS USE OF GRATUITOUS ADVERBS AND ADJECTIVES ALERT!!!!

First, the picture.....ah, the picture! That handsome man on the left is Fredric March, who just so happens to be Ruby's favorite movie star right now. Lucille's is Bela Lugosi or Lon Chaney (yes, that does mean she still thinks men are horrible ugly creatures, but she'll get better soon, promise). Since this is a nice post, Ruby's man wins. This oh so adorable picture is from one of March's early movies, The Marriage Playground (1929). The lady with him is either Mary Brian or Lilyan Tashman. The children are.... lovely? Sorry, that's all I know! Unfortunately, this film no longer circulates - I found out about it at The Fredric March Archive, someplace you should go if you are even vaguely interested in Fredric March or old Hollywood.

For reasons not clearly understood, Fredric March, while widely regarded as the best actor of his generation, is not as known or appreciated as Gary Cooper (with whom he starred in Design for Living), Clark Gable (he romanced the love of Gable's life, Carole Lombard, in several movies) or Spencer Tracy (it could be that Tracy is more famous because he had the misfortune to take up with that hag Katharine Hepburn). He is probably not as famous because, unlike Cooper, Gable, or Tracy, March never cultivated a persona that carried over from movie to movie - i.e., regardless of what movie Cooper, Gable, or Tracy are in, they are still Cooper, Gable, and Tracy - he actually became the characters he played. Which makes him the best movie star ever for a girl to love - he can be whatever you want him to be!

Remember, we're playing nice now, so here are a couple of songs to listen to while you peruse the pictures of Fredric March and fall deeply in love, too. These songs conjure the same feelings that old movies like the ones March starred in do... you'll see what that means when you listen to them.

And when you are done ogling his beauty, watch him in A Star is Born - the orginial, Lord have mercy, not those ignoble Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand messes. Feel free to laugh and cry and do it all again because he is so perfect... funny, sad, and gorgeous.

HEAR:
Piggy Bank Love - Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. The Bonzos are typically seen as a novelty/comedy act, but if you can forget that and just listen, this song is sparkly and sweet. Lots of mid-late 60's pseudo-psychedelic bands borrowed heavily from Art Nouveau and Art Deco periods not only for art inspiration, but for musical inspiration. Sometimes, that recalls the early days of film... this song is a great example. You can almost hear it playing over something like The Marriage Playground.

HEAR:
Lady Came From Baltimore - Scott Walker. While this song may not sonically recall the glory days of film, the lyrics sure sound like the script to a silent - robber looking to score some jewels, robber meets the lady in the jewels, robber and lady fall in love, mayhem and drama ensue. Listen to this one and imagine it as a movie in your mind, starring whomever you are in love with this week. Silent or talkie - your choice!

Listen to the songs, watch some old movies, and pretend that things are wonderful, even if they are not...

Lucille's Free!

2005-03-29T11:45:00.000-08:00

Thank Godamighty, she's free at last...

People, Lucille has broken out of Male Jail. Isn't it wonderful? Lord Worm Fury is just going to have to find some other lady to mistreat, because Lucille is out of there. Run Lucille Run!

In celebration of Lucille's refusal to be kicked and knocked around by the Man, er, I mean, the Worm Fury, anymore, here are some songs that will help her to stay strong.

Listen hard, ladies - you are about to get a lesson in how to act and what to listen to when things ain't right with you and your man, you and your men, you and somebody else's man. These are the kinds of songs that girls love to listen to when their hearts are nearly broken(real gone girls never let their hearts get broken, or at least they never let on...), songs that allow you to wallow in your misery while also reminding you what a trouble men really are and why you are better off without whichever one is troubling you at the time. Of course, you'll probably just want the damned old trashy man anyway, but at least in the meantime you'll be getting an education on some really good music:

HEAR:I'll Never Fall in Love Again - Bobbie Gentry. Bobbie Gentry's one tough gal, but don't she sound so sweet here, talking about all the dirt that a man will do you whenever he gets a chance? It's interesting to hear Bobbie doing a Bacharach/David song, simply because this kind of cosmopolitan stuff was a long way from "Ode to Billy Joe," but she never sounded this beguiling before or after. You really don't know if she means it, but you want to listen, anyway. This is the kind of song to sing to the younger girls in your family to get them ready for what's ahead. Of course they won't believe you, but it's not your fault - again, Bobbie sounds like she's coming on to another guy as she's singing this, not to mention the fact that little girls don't believe in anything but love.

HEAR:
You Never Loved Me At All - Barbara Mason. Best known for the first-love anthem "Yes, I'm Ready," Barbara Mason wasn't all hugs and kisses. She wrote plenty of songs about sorry men, and even though most of them sound the same, this one is my favorite. The way she just drags the words out, it sounds like she's making it up on the spot, still thinking about it as she sings it. Sing this one in the shower. Sing this one in the shower while that no-count man is still in the house, then get out and thump his head with something. Or just get in a convertible with your best girl friend and listen to this on the way to the package store.

HEAR:
Message to the Soul Sisters - Vicki Anderson. Listen up sisters, this is what it's all about. We ain't going to cry and sniff anymore. We're OVER it now. This is the one you listen to when you are kicking his ass out of the house and throwing his shit out after him. Vicki Anderson is another of James Brown's funky divas, and I don't personally know a song any funkier than this. Some of the lyrics in this song mystify me, but I get the gist of it, and that's that if a man don't give me what I want I'll get it some other place. "When a man digs me, don't hide your face." This is the song you listen to when you throw down and let him know that you don't have to be put up with this anymore, you are bigger and better! He'll probably cower in fear. Try not to kick him too hard while he's cowering - that's just being mean.

SO! Men - Lucille's looking for a replacement for Lord Worm Fury. Interested?

A Good Man is Hard to Find, so thank God for Doug Sahm

2005-03-24T12:11:00.000-08:00

These look like our kind of guys....

It has been established that Ruby and Lucille are currently experiencing technical difficulties in the male department. We have been held down by THE MAN, we have been in male jail, you name it. Anything that a man can do to mess things up for us, anything they can do to make us madder than hell, anything that just makes us want to pinch a man's head off, it's been done.

We're in the process of breaking out of male jail. We're enlisting the help of Doug Sahm and the Sir Douglas Quintet in our attempt. See, even though he's departed now, we are positive that not only would Doug Sahm have helped us out of male jail, he probably never would have let two fine foxy gals get in that kind of mess in the first place.

Do you even know who Doug Sahm is, much less the Sir Douglas Quintet? Well, he recorded in just about every rock/country genre (he's on the Nuggets box set, if you don't believe that) from the 1960s-1990s. The best of his work reflects the influence of the Latino music that he heard in his native Texas (a priceless Doug quote here: "if you're gonna live in Texas, you got to have a whole lotta soul"), yet filters it through blues and boogie.

You can just listen to Doug Sahm and know that he was a guy worth knowing. He's a guy's guy who knows how to treat a lady. He's the kind of guy that wouldn't get mad at you for dancing on the bar - hell, he'd probably jump up there and dance, too. He'd never be horrified by your reputation for running the roads and carousing. He's the kind of guy who would come and get you out of jail, if he wasn't in there with you. He's the one your mother and daddy would like, yet you could still stand. He'd bury your dead dog, fix your leaking faucet, mix you a drink, and love you like there's no tomorrow.

It's quite obvious that Ruby and Lucille haven't found a Doug Sahm kind of guy yet. That doesn't mean we've given up. We're still holding out hope that we can either find one, or that lightning will strike the ones we have and help them achieve Doug-ness.

Until then....

Hear:
Nuevo Laredo: This is one of our past New Year's favorites, one that makes us shake our tailfeathers. You know it's going to be something fine when it starts out with those soft little Tejano notes, then Doug croons, "in a little border town..." and then breaks out. We DEFY you not to get off your ass for this one.

Hear:
I Don't Want to Go Home: This one has a totally different feel. It's hard to believe it's even by the same person as "Nuevo Laredo." If you've never felt like this, then you have never been in trouble with both your old man AND your mother and daddy before! Maybe that only happens to buck wild women like Ruby and Lucille. Regardless, it's a great song.

People, remember bad girls and the bad boys they love in your prayers - it wouldn't hurt anything if you threw in a prayer for some jewelry, either!

The Wheel of Life

2005-03-15T10:07:00.000-08:00

Mama Feelgood - the most beautiful picture
I could find...

Ruby, Lucille and Amelia are mourning the loss of Lyn Collins, who apparently died on Sunday. We love the funky divas..... and we are going to miss Lyn Collins.

In case you have been under a rock, or just lack the necessary amount of funk in your life, Lyn Collins was a seminal female funk/soul singer who recorded as part of James Brown's amazing stable of artists.

Lyn Collins, along with Marva Whitney and Vicki Anderson, two of James Brown's other funky divas, not only recorded some of the hottest, funkiest stuff ever, but they really worked within an entirely different paradigm than other female singers recording at the time - late 60's-mid 70's - and even, to an extent, since then. They sang as though their equality to men was unquestionable. Just the titles of their songs - "You Can't Love Me if You Don't Respect Me," "Give it Up Turn it Loose," "If You Can't Give Me What I Want I've Got to Get it Some Other Place," - WOW.

Of course, now that we have dispensed with that, if you STILL think you don't know Lyn, then it must be added that you have heard Lyn's songs - especially "Think (About It)"'s "it takes two to make a thing go right" - sampled a million times. You ought to quit listening to that foolishness and listen to the real stuff.

From the time I - Ruby - first heard Lyn on a "Super Bad" K-tel record when I was little, I knew what I wanted to be - tough and funky.

Since someone beat us to posting what has been one of our anthems since we heard it, "You Can't Love Me if You Don't Respect Me," we are posting a couple more Lyn Collins songs. Check it out:

Wheel of Life : I think that "Wheel of Life," which is, true to its name, a song about going with the flow, lifewise, is probably the best one to post upon Lyn's passing. These are words to live by, people.

Give it Up, Turn it Loose: If Lyn - or anyone else for that matter - was ever any funkier than this, we defy you to prove it. When she breaks id down and cuts loose on the "holding on" part - she's taking it to the bridge, honey - the whole song loosens up with her. Then, just when you think it's going to fly apart into space, she pulls is back in. I know the JB's have something to do with this, but they can get in line. This is Miss Lyn Collins' show, and it's beyond anything else you've ever heard.

Mr. Big Stuff: Jean Knight may have done the original, and Vicki Anderson may have been "Too Tough for Mr. Big Stuff," but Lyn's version of this one proves why they called her the Female Preacher. Any man that don't feel just a little bit cowed by this is a man worth knowing. Like "Give it Up, Turn it Loose," this one has a breakdown - around the 2:13 mark - that totally changes the song, and definitely sets it apart from the Jean Knight version. "You gotta hustle!"

The Joneses love Lyn Collins.... and we are going to miss her....

2005-03-15T09:37:00.000-08:00

Another one of the Female Preacher

Having a Wormy Day

2005-03-14T12:25:00.000-08:00

Worm Supreme

Ah, the lowly worm. So underappreciated. So unloved. Only Ruby and Lucille would dedicate an entire post to worms.
Actually, worm songs are the thing here. It just so happens that two of the best songs EVAH are a little wormy. Here they are in all their glory:

Tapeworm of Love - Brute Force: Are you not familiar with Brute Force? Don't feel bad, not very many people are. Someone should have told Stephen Friedland - aka Brute Force - that if he wanted to achieve success and world domination that he probably shouldn't have released a song called "Tapeworm of Love." Allmusic.com calls Brute Force's 1967 album, I, Brute Force, "heavily arranged and deeply absurd." And so is "Tapeworm of Love." Heavily arranged - "puty sitar playing, Mahatma." Deeply absurd. Isn't life wonderful?

Funky Worm - Ohio Players: The perennial favorite, worm-song wise. The Ohio Players fairy tale, with the Funky Worm as Cinderella, and Granny Johnson as the Fairy Godmother. For some reason, nothing the Ohio Players did after "Funky Worm" measures up, at least as far as Ruby and Lucille Jones. A young relative of Ruby Jones, BadHair, once insisted on hearing this song CONTINUOUSLY throughout a 2 hour excursion. And yet, it still hold up as an enduring classic. Thank you Ohio Players!

This post is dedicated to the worms in Ruby and Lucille's lives, Lord Worm Fury, and Maggot Brain's tapeworm, Tichiba. Worms worms worms!

Monster-in-Law Blues

2005-03-11T09:05:00.000-08:00

Robert Crumb's Monster-in-Law?

Bless Amelia's Heart

2005-03-11T06:34:00.000-08:00

Poor old Amelia Jones - you all don't know her yet, but she's the other Jones, aside from Ruby and Lucille - she's having a time. She has a monster - oops, MOTHER - in-law from the depths of hell who lives just to terrorize and plague her. All the monster-in-law wants to do is smoke, puke, and carry on with her drunk-ass boyfriend - now don't that sound like a fine way for a mother-in-law to act? And it's a shame, too, because Amelia is a real swell gal.

So, in honor of Amelia ( maybe it would be better to say in SYMPATHY with Amelia), Ernie K. Doe's Mother-in-Law.

For those of you unfamiliar (what, have you been under a rock all your life?), Ernie K. Doe liked his mother-in-law about as much as Amelia does hers, and he wrote this song just to prove it.

Come on and Steal Away

2005-03-08T14:06:00.000-08:00

Say baby - want to slip away with me?

Ruby and Lucille have been in Male-Jail (i.e., putting up with no count men) for awhile now. I'm sure you're wondering how two international women of mystery managed to get themselves in Male-Jail... if it helps, one's named Worm Fury (Lucille's) and the other's named Maggot Brain (Ruby's). I do believe that explains a lot.

But behold, Ruby and Lucille do plan to break out. We are certain that there are men deserving of our many charms out there - we still believe in, if not love, then at least temptation and infatuation. Love at the Dark End of the Street, to be exact.

Ruby and Lucille like nothing better than forbidden fruit. So here's a bite or two to hold us over until we find men worth having:

Steal Away - Ann Peebles. One of these days, we're going to find men worth begging to sneak off with us. Until then, we can enjoy Ann Peebles begging somebody to steal away with her. Isn't her voice lovely? She was ever bit as talented as Al Green or Syl Johnson, or any of the rest of the Hi Records crowd, but for some reason, the only thing anybody remembers about her is "I Can't Stand the Rain," which is classic, but is only the surface. Our Ann.... whoo Lordy.

I Think We're Alone Now - Tommy James and the Shondells. Even as little girls of mystery, Ruby and Lucille looked forward to the day they could arrange trysts by getting their Barbies out and practicing to a little Tommy James and the Shondells. Ever notice how panting is implied by the strings in the background? And all that tumbling to the ground? Tommy James ought to be ashamed - but he's just our kind of guy.

BTW - that's William Haines and some other body in the swell picture.

Lovey-dovey,
Ruby Baby

2005-02-28T08:17:00.000-08:00

Delivering The Golem to the people

Delivering Lucille's Edict Unto the Ghetto

2005-02-28T07:04:00.000-08:00

Lucille had the good fortune to watch the classic silent horror movie The Golem yesterday, and since then has had a hankering to have her edict delivered unto the Ghetto, not unlike in the movie.

I readily admit that my understanding of Lucille's edict is somewhat murky, as her edict seems to be a creature that often changes shape. However, her edict as I believe it to be today is:

The Man wants to hold you down! He wants to separate your pairs of socks! He wants to screw up your order at Taco Bell! He wants to keep your tax refund! He wants to create a cartel and drive up the price of Tanzanite until you can no longer afford any Tanzanite but Wal-Mart grade! The Man wants to steal your CD player and your friend's Tupac tape! He wants you to feed him pudding and drive his drunk ass home! He wants to... well, that's enough for right now.

Now that you have had Lucille's edict delivered unto you, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Meanwhile, if you would like more info on The Golem, visit it at SILENT ERA (yes, that's a link, as are all colored words from now on),a website that's all over silent movies. If you are the kind of person who find minutiae about things like silent films interesting, you will enjoy this website. If you do not, you are probably WORKING WITH THE MAN TO HOLD US DOWN!!!

You know, Lucille isn't the only one who has an edict. In fact, once upon a time, a big strong man named Kenny Rogers had an edict about a Lucille. Yes, that's right, about a Lucille. About how she picked a fine time to leave him, no less.

You can listen to his edict, the classic LUCILLE while considering our Lucille's edict. Remember, darling - scroll to the bottom, click on "Free."

Bonjour My Baby,
Ruby Baby

Hallelujah - Ruby Makes a Discovery!

2005-02-25T07:32:00.000-08:00

Bless my heart. What I really wanted most for Ruby and Lucille's World was an audioblog where we could share the soundtrack to our adventures.

Well. Don't hold your breath, but I think I have it figured out. How does this mess your baby up? So here, as our inaugural audio post, a little homage to the wonder and beauty of Ruby, Dion's incomparable....

Ruby Baby

If you have never used Rapidshare before, a little word of wisdom: scroll all the way to the bottom and click on "Free."

MMMMMMWAAAAAAAAA!
Ruby Baby

Praise The Lord Lucille Got a Valentine!

2005-02-15T11:47:00.000-08:00

If you will, take a moment out of your busy schedule to do a little dance for Lucille, who had the BEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER yesterday. Her old man, Lord Worm Fury, not only sent her flowers, but he also took her out for dinner. By all reports Lucille is pleased as punch, and just wishes that everybody would have such a wonderful Valentine's Day from now on.

Well! All this talking about Valentine's Day can only mean one thing - that it's time to talk about the poor old Delfonics. Have you all been listening to the Delfonics lately, or have you been mistreating them? Have you been "trying to make a fool of me" by slighting the Delfonics? Because I "la-la-la-la" you, and I just want what's best for you, and that just happens to be the Delfonics.

Here's where you start - these are the Delfonics songs you must have NOW. If you don't have them, LORD HAVE MERCY let me know.

1. Loving Him
2. Start All Over Again
3. Trying to Make a Fool of Me (of course)
4. Tell Me This is a Dream
5. Hey Love!
6. Over and Over

There's more, of course, but that's enough for now - after all, ain't you busy doing that dance for Lucille?

Ruby Baby

2005-02-15T11:42:00.000-08:00

Are you listening? We're the Delfonics, here to spread joy.

Happy Valentine's Day from the Cartel

2005-02-14T06:44:00.000-08:00

Can't you just picture her little shiver now?

It's Valentine's Day, which either makes you happy or makes you want to puke. Ruby and Lucille would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to someone we LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Of the things in the world that Ruby and Lucille love best, right now Jewelry Television - or, to be more specific, Tamara of Jewelry Television - is top on the list.

No, it's not because we are conniving wenches all about the bling, even though we are. It has more to do with the fascinating presence of Tamara and the fun things that we learn when we watch her.

For instance, on Friday we learned from Tamara that a CARTEL is about to take over the TANZANITE mines, which will result in absurdly high prices for TANZANITE, that most precious of stones. Tamara has been concerned with Tanzanites for quite some time now. She's been warning us of how rare Tanzanite is about to become - like hen's teeth! - and warning us to buy ours before it goes for upwards of $5000 a carat. That Tamara - she's always looking out for her girls!

I know you're wondering, you MUST be wondering, how is it that Tamara can be such a caution when it comes to the ways and means of jewelry intrigue? That's because Tamara has the "power of Jewelry Television," and if it's going on in gemstones or jewelry, SuperTamara is on it. Hard. Where would we lowly Tanzanite buyers be without Tamara? Where would two international women of mystery spend weeknights if not in the company of Tamara?

Some of Tamara's greatest hits:
The shiver that she does when she sees a particularly lovely piece of jewelry.
"The train is coming in." (This in reference to a bodacious diamond bracelet.)
"I can be gaudy sometimes." Not you Tamara. Never you.
The "whooo" she lets loose with when something excites her.

Please visit Tamara on Jewelry Television soon. If your evil cable conglomorate doesn't give you Jewelry Television, then go see Tamara at http://www.jewelrytelevision.com/
You can read about Tamara at: http://www.jewelrytelevision.com/tamara

Tamara, if you are out there, please holler. Ruby and Lucille love you - YOU are our Valentine.

Yes, that's Otis Redding

2005-02-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

Why, you might ask, Otis Redding? If you have to ask, then you need to SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE - you ain't country enough. Otis Redding is right smack dab in the middle of James Brown and the Band, so he's exactly what we stand for. How do you like that?

Welcome

2005-02-11T08:52:00.000-08:00

Maybe you have heard us, squealing tires and revving our engines into the night. Maybe you have heard us wildcatting, cruising on Saturday with the Pogues, Rancid, Bootsy Collins, Vicki Anderson, the Flying Burrito Brothers, and Steely Dan in heavy rotation. Maybe you heard about Cherokee Lane or Stoney Fork. Maybe you have even caught a glimpse of us, hair flying, lipstick shining, diamond in the back, convertible top, digging the scene like Sweet Potato Queens, ummhmmm.
Or maybe you have only heard OF the legend of Ruby and Lucille Jones, international women of mystery. Whatever brings you here, we welcome you. You're never going to be the same.